I want to share with you what I know about ageing with panache, cool and style in relation to dating and relationships. An alternative view to pipe and slippers, cruises, golden sunsets, etc.
Aged 13 at boarding school the girls in my dorm were discussing our utter incomprehension upon hearing that our very matronly, 55 year old history teacher with grey hair in a tight bun was going to get married! What! Kissing. Sex. We shuddered and all agreed that 35 was a good age to commit suicide, what was the point of hanging around after this?
It’s changed. A bit. As a registered oldie myself I’m supposed to be realising dreams of a fuller life packed with travel, adventure, learning new skills, and being more fulfilled in friendships and love.
And if anyone calls me ‘elderly’ they risk getting a punch in the face. Elderly, somehow encapsulates over the hill, past it, inactive.
Journalists will helpfully remind us of celeb role models and that of course we can/should all age with style and aplomb these days. They’ll trot out the usual suspects for us to aspire to: Vivienne Westwood, Helen Mirren, The Stones, Joan Bakewell, David Attenborough. Joanna Lumley. Mary Berry. I’m not big on royalty, but look at the Queen!
My role models: my 91 year old Aunty Daphne who does belly dancing and drumming on Hampstead. Heath. My 100 year old aunt SzeSze who died after falling off the top of a ladder pruning her Leylandi trees. My 1004 yr old great, great-grandmother who allegedly died from falling off her horse, side-saddle of course.
All these are the lucky ones.
We’re not all so lucky. Poverty, health challenges, loneliness, bereavement and a general fear of vulnerability hover around us. If we are needy individuals in the first place, and aren’t we all, then these situations make us more so. Needy most of all for enduring love and affection. Rise in divorce rate means many more older singles.
Propelled by the anguish of divorce, separation and bereavement we are propelled into the dating market place again, sometimes after decades of absence, should we decide that a new soulmate might be the answer.
As we all know, growing old ain’t for cissies.
But what about dating and romance?
But, hey, grasp the nettle and the dating bit can be a wonderful voyage of discovery at any age. But it can/will also be a very rough ride if you don’t have good dating strategies up your sleeve. This is my work. Helping singles of all ages navigate the choppy waters of dating and courtship – through my Smart Dating book, seminars, webinars, blogs, matchmaking and my internet dating site.
How do oldies date? Surprisingly, in much the same way as everyone else. On line dating is rampant among oldies especially guys as I know from my own GrownUpDating.co.uk. Even Tinder. Yes. And of course personal matchmakers such as Drawing Down the Moon which I owned for 30 years.
Does anyone reading this secretly think they look younger than the are? No, let’s rephrase the question – have you ever been told that you look younger than you are? I don’t expect any of you to own up to this and say ‘yes’. It sounds vain. But we’ve all heard this when we’re celebrating a significant birthday. That’s what’ friends are for. And we all publicly deny it but secretly hope it’s true.
But I promise you, if any of you were to come and see me to help find a soulmate, I can guarantee this idea would be used to justify meeting a younger date than you likely to succeed with. Grasping at the straw of being youthful and trying to skew the forces at play in the dating arena.
We call this phenomenon, FSI, ‘faulty self image’. Possibly hard-wired. Whether it gets more dominant in later life, I’m not sure. But what I’m sure of is that it plays a significant role in the response or lack of response to marketing by companies such as yours. OK, some of us give up trying to prove it, even pretending we don’t mind, and exit the dating arena completely, insisting they love being single at last. Others just exit.
OK what do older singles say they seek in a relationship? Shopping lists regarding the personal attributes are thrust at me of course. But at DDM we say that your eventual partner will defy most of your preconceptions. Tear them up.
Most don’t want marriage, at least not at first. Used to being independent and many have lived alone for a bit and love being independent. Meaning they get stuck in their ways.
Whether hetero or gay, the ‘live out lover’ is the most common relationship template, but with fidelity as paramount. ‘My traveling companion’’ is how an older neighbour introduced her new man friend recently. However, co-habitation often soon follows. Marriage can be dodgy – how does one handle the issue of the kids’ inheritance?
Sometimes they discover a new sexual orientation. Sometimes they decide to stay single and just enjoy the celibate life. The permutations are endless.
The cruellest cut of all for older women is the shortage of older, single men. Men die younger. More gay men.
How can older women find new love? Men go for younger women. Men not so into commitment. Women want to meet ID-checked and interviewed guys. Men are happy to trawl the internet, lying about their true age and posting an old photo. Actually, women do this too but not so much, they come to personal matchmakers. I have to go out there and pull men in to meet my lovely women and even out the gender ratio. I have a team of ambassadors for just this. And I’m recruiting more right now.
Picky-ness. Biggest problem.
When I’m date coaching especially, especially women, I strongly recommend not putting all eggs in one basket, so you can say ‘next please” if an intro doesn’t work out. My trade-marked Domino Dating Strategy recommends that singles multi-date and meet as many new potential partners as possible. But only for an hour each. Don’t do dinner. Meet in a public place. Don’t say where you live or work. Don’t reveal your surname or FB or LinkedIN account details.
1st dates are a nightmare of pressure and expections. Even captains of industry and TV presenters mess them up. Potential chemistry doesn’t stand a chance. Nervousness leads either to no flirting or inappropriate flirting, interrogation, talking endlessly about one self (women colluding) or the ex.
Most apply the chemistry filter much too early. Only one goal for a first date, is your date a ‘maybe’ or a ‘no hoper’.
Sex and oldies. Are passion and lust just vague memories for the over 60s or can they be revitalised by learning to relate and love in new ways with your partner or indeed by meeting a new soul mate if you’ve lost yours?
A Saga survey tells us not only are 65% of over 65s sexually active and that 46% have sex once a week, that sex is less pressurised without the fear of pregnancy.
But sexual needs change and sex itself can be daunting if one has been celibate for a while. One gets out of practice.
Older guys are often fearful of not being able to deliver the sexual performance of their younger days. As Woody Allen once said ‘a first date is a meeting with the threat of sex at the end’.
Whereas the Sexual Advice Association says many post-menopausal women have quicker arousal rates.
Some discover a new sexual orientation.
Or a testosterone prescription?
Then there are fears of STDs.
And the issue of sexual performance and libido being affected by hormone changes, medication, arthritis, heart problems.
All of this can make dating a new partner more daunting, especially if you are a bloke.
So what about dating strategies for oldies?
In my experience they should follow the same protocols that I recommend for younger people seeking commitment. Meet lots of people who are potential friends, just for an hour, explaining this beforehand, so they don’t feel rejected when you get up to go at 9pm. Tell everyone you are meeting lots of people – it takes the pressure off. And you are perceived as being ‘in demand’ – no bad thing. Don’t aim for love at first site, or ‘your type of person’. Broaden horisons.
Staying in love with your long term partner or a new one.. Stay physically intimate in whatever way suits you, whether it’s hugs and kisses, or the full monty.
Keep flirting. Keep dating
But what about dating and romance?
But, hey, grasp the nettle and the dating bit can be a wonderful voyage of discovery at any age. But it can/will also be a very rough ride if you don’t have good dating strategies up your sleeve. This is my work. Helping singles of all ages navigate the choppy waters of dating and courtship – through my Smart Dating book, seminars, webinars, blogs, Drawing Down the Moon matchmaking and my internet dating site, Love and Friends.com
How do oldies date? Surprisingly, in much the same way as everyone else. On line dating is rampant among oldies esp guys as I know from my own LoveandFriends.com. Even Tinder. Yes. And of course personal matchmakers such as Drawing Down the Moon.
Does anyone reading this secretly think they look younger than the are? No, let’s rephrase the question – have you ever been told that you look younger than you are? I don’t expect any of you to own up to this and say ‘yes’. It sounds vain. But we’ve all heard this when we’re celebrating a significant birthday. That’s what’ friends are for. And we all publicly deny it but secretly hope it’s true.
But I promise you, if any of you were to come and see me to help find a soulmate, I can guarantee this idea would be used to justify meeting a younger date than you likely to succeed with. Grasping at the straw of being youthful and trying to skew the forces at play in the dating arena.
We call this phenomenon, FSI, ‘faulty self image’. Possibly hard-wired. Whether it gets more dominant in later life, I’m not sure. But what I’m sure of is that it plays a significant role in the response or lack of response to marketing by companies such as yours. OK, some of us give up trying to prove it, even pretending we don’t mind, and exit the dating arena completely, insisting they love being single at last. Others just exit.
OK what do older singles say they seek in a relationship? Shopping lists regarding the personal attributes are thrust at me of course. But at DDM we say that your eventual partner will defy most of your preconceptions. Tear them up.
Most don’t want marriage, at least not at first. Used to being independent and many have lived alone for a bit and love being independent. Meaning they get stuck in their ways.
Whether hetero or gay, the ‘live out lover’ is the most common relationship template, but with fidelity as paramount. ‘My traveling companion’’ is how an older neighbour introduced her new man friend recently. However, co-habitation often soon follows. Marriage can be dodgy – how does one handle the issue of the kids’ inheritance?
Sometimes they discover a new sexual orientation. Sometimes they decide to stay single and just enjoy the celibate life. The permutations are endless.
The cruellest cut of all for older women is the shortage ofg older, single men. Men die younger. More gay men.
How can older women find new love? Men go for younger women. Men not so into commitment. Women want to meet ID-checked and interviewed guys. Men are happy to trawl the internet, lying about their true age and posting an old photo. Actually, women do this too but not so much, they come to personal matchmakers. I have to go out there and pull men in to meet my lovely women and even out the gender ratio. I have a team of ambassadors for just this. And I’m recruiting more right now.
Picky-ness. Biggest problem.
When I’m date coaching especially, especially women, I strongly recommend not putting all eggs in one basket, so you can say ‘next please” if an intro doesn’t work out. My trade-marked Domino Dating Strategy recommends that singles multi-date and meet as many new potential partners as possible. But only for an hour each. Don’t do dinner. Meet in a public place. Don’t say where you live or work. Don’t reveal your surname or FB or LinkedIN account details.
1st dates are a nightmare of pressure and expections. Even captains of industry and TV presenters mess them up. Potential chemistry doesn’t stand a chance. Nervousness leads either to no flirting or inappropriate flirting, interrogation, talking endlessly about one self (women colluding) or the ex.
Most apply the chemistry filter much too early. Only one goal for a first date, is your date a ‘maybe’ or a ‘no hoper’.
Sex and oldies. Are passion and lust just vague memories for the over 60s or can they be revitalised by learning to relate and love in new ways with your partner or indeed by meeting a new soul mate if you’ve lost yours?
A Saga survey tells us not only are 65% of over 65s sexually active and that 46% have sex once a week, that sex is less pressurised without the fear of pregnancy.
But sexual needs change and sex itself can be daunting if one has been celibate for a while. One gets out of practice.
Older guys are often fearful of not being able to deliver the sexual performance of their younger days. As Woody Allen once said ‘a first date is a meeting with the threat of sex at the end’.
Whereas the Sexual Advice Association says many post-menopausal women have quicker arousal rates.
Some discover a new sexual orientation.
Or a testosterone prescription?
Then there are fears of STDs.
And the issue of sexual performance and libido being affected by hormone changes, medication, arthritis, heart problems.
All of this can make dating a new partner more daunting, especially if you are a bloke.
So what about dating strategies for oldies?
In my experience they should follow the same protocols that I recommend for younger people seeking commitment. Meet lots of people who are potential friends, just for an hour, explaining this beforehand, so they don’t feel rejected when you get up to go at 9pm. Tell everyone you are meeting lots of people – it takes the pressure off. And you are perceived as being ‘in demand’ – no bad thing. Don’t aim for love at first site, or ‘your type of person’. Broaden horisons.
My FREE 1st Date toolkit – download here. Field-tested strategies for finding love. Much of it is counterintuitive.
Staying in love with your long term partner or a new one.. Stay physically intimate in whatever way suits you, whether it’s hugs and kisses, or the full monty.
Keep flirting. Keep dating